Contents

Contents

• Preface
• 1. Parents Are Blamed but Not Trained
• 2. Parents Are Persons, Not Gods
  • The Concept of Acceptance
  • Parents Can and Will Be Inconsistent
  • Parents Don't Have to Put Up a "United Front"
  • False Acceptance
  • Can You Accept the Child but Not Her Behavior?
  • Our Definition of Parents Who Are Real Persons
  • Who Owns the Problem?
• 3. Active Listening: The Language of Acceptance. How to Listen, and Talk, So that Kids Will Talk to You.
  • The Power of the Language of Acceptance
  • Acceptance Must Be Demonstrated
  • Communicating Acceptance Non-verbally
  • Non-intervention to Show Acceptance
  • Passive Listening to Show Acceptance
  • Communicating Acceptance Verbally
  • What About the 12 Communication Roadblocks?
  • Simple Door-Openers
  • Active Listening
  • Why Should Parents Learn Active Listening?
  • Attitudes Required to Use Active Listening
  • The Risk of Active Listening
• 4. Putting Your Active Listening Skills to Work
  • When Does the Child "Own" the Problem?
  • How Parents Make Active Listening Work
  • Danny: The Child Afraid to Go to Sleep
  • When Does a Parent Decide to Use Active Listening?
  • Common Mistakes in Using Active Listening
  • Manipulating Children Through "Guidance"
  • Opening the Door, Then Slamming It Shut
  • The "Parroting Parent"
  • Listening Without Empathy
  • Active Listening at the Wrong Times
• 5. How to Listen to Kids Too Young to Talk Much
  • What Are Infants Like?
  • Tuning In to Needs and Problems of Infants
  • Using Active Listening to Help Infants
  • Give the Child a Chance to Meet His Needs Himself
• 6. How to Talk So Kids Will Listen to You
  • When the Parent Owns the Problem
  • Ineffective Ways of Confronting Children
  • Sending a "Solution Message"
  • Sending a "Put-Down Message"
  • Effective Ways of Confronting Children
  • You-Messages and I-Messages
  • The Essential Components of an I-Message
  • Describing the Unacceptable Behavior
  • The Parent's Feeling About the Behavior
  • How the Behavior Affects the Parent
  • Why I-Messages Are More Effective
• 7. Putting I-Messages to Work
  • The Disguised You-Message
  • Don't Accentuate the Negative
  • The Right Tool for the Right Job
  • The Erupting Mount Vesuvius
  • What Effective I-Messages Can Do
  • Sending Nonverbal I-Messages to Very Young Kids
  • Problems with I-Messages
  • Other Applications of I-Messages
  • An Alternative to Praise
  • How to Prevent Some Problems
  • How I-Messages Lead to Problem-Solving
• 8. Changing Unacceptable Behavior by Changing the Environment
  • Enriching the Environment
  • Impoverishing the Environment
  • Simplifying the Environment
  • Limiting the Child's Life Space
  • Child-Proofing the Environment
  • Substituting One Activity for Another
  • Preparing the Child for Changes in the Environment
  • Planning Ahead with Older Children
• 9. Inevitable Parent-Child Conflicts: Who Should Win?
  • The Parent-Child Power Struggle: Who Wins, Who Loses?
  • The Two Win-Lose Approaches
  • Why Method 1 Is Ineffective
  • Why Method 2 Is Ineffective
  • Some Additional Problems with Method 1 and Method 2
• 10. Parental Power: Necessary and Justified?
  • What Is Authority?
  • Serious Limitations of Parental Power
  • Parents Inevitably Run Out of Power
  • The Teen Years
  • Training by Power Requires Strict Conditions
  • The Effects of Parental Power on the Child
  • Resistance, Defiance, Rebellion, Negativism
  • Resentment, Anger, Hostility
  • Aggression, Retaliation, Striking Back
  • Lying, Hiding Feelings / Blaming Others, Tattling, Cheating
  • Dominating, Bossiness, Bullying
  • Needing to Win, Hating to Lose
  • Forming Alliances, Organizing Against Parents
  • Submission, Obedience, Compliance
  • Apple Polishing, Courting Favor
  • Conformity, Lack of Creativity, Fear of Trying Something New, Requiring Prior Assurance of Success
  • Withdrawing, Escaping, Fantasizing, Regression
  • Some Deeper Issues About Parental Authority
  • Don't Children Want Authority and Limits?
  • Isn't Authority All Right If Parents Are Consistent?
  • But Isn't It the Parents' Responsibility to Influence Children?
  • Why Has Power Persisted in Child-Rearing?
• 11. The "No-Lose" Method for Resolving Conflicts
  • Why Method 3 Is So Effective
  • The Child Is Motivated to Carry Out the Solution
  • More Chance of Finding a High-Quality Solution
  • Method 3 Develops Children's Thinking Skills
  • Less Hostility- More Love
  • Requires Less Enforcement
  • Method 3 Eliminates the Need for Power
  • Method 3 Gets to the Real Problems
  • Treating Kids Like Adults
  • Method 3 as "Therapy" for the Child
• 12. Parents' Fears and Concerns About the "No-Lose" Method
  • Just the Old Family Conference Under a New Name?
  • Method 3 Seen as Parental Weakness
  • "Groups Cannot Make Decisions"
  • "Method 3 Takes Too Much Time"
  • "Aren't Parents Justified in Using Method 1 Because They Are Wiser?"
  • "Can Method 3 Work with Young Children?"
  • "Aren't There Times When Method 1 Has to Be Used?"
  • "Won't I Lose My Kids' Respect?"
• 13. Putting the "No-Lose" Method to Work
  • How Do You Start?
  • The Six Steps of the No-Lose Method
  • Setting the Stage for Method 3
  • Step 1: Identifying and Defining the Conflict
  • Step 2: Generating Possible Solutions
  • Step 3: Evaluating the Alternative Solutions
  • Step 4: Deciding on the Best Solution
  • Step 5: Implementing the Decision
  • Step 6: Following Up to Evaluate How It Worked
  • The Need for Active Listening and I-Messages
  • The First No-Lose Attempt
  • Problems Parents Will Encounter
  • Initial Distrust and Resistance
  • "What If We Can't Find an Acceptable Solution?"
  • Reverting to Method 1 When Method 3 Bogs Down
  • Should Punishment Be Built into the Decision?
  • When Agreements Are Broken
  • When Children Have Been Accustomed to Winning
  • The No-Lose Method for Child-Child Conflicts
  • When Both Parents Are Involved in Parent-Child Conflicts
  • Everyone on His Own
  • One Parent Using Method 3, the Other Not
  • "Can We Use All Three Methods?"
  • "Does the No-Lose Method Ever Fail to Work?"
• 14. How to Avoid Being Fired as a Parent
  • A Question of Values
  • A Question of Civil Rights
  • "Can't I Teach My Values?"
  • The Parent as a Model
  • The Parent as a Consultant
  • "To Accept What I Cannot Change"
• 15. How Parents Can Prevent Conflicts by Modifying Themselves
  • Can You Become More Accepting of Yourself?
  • Whose Children Are They?
  • Do You Really Like Children--or Just a Certain Type of Child?
  • Are Your Values and Beliefs the Only True Ones?
  • Is Your Primary Relationship with Your Spouse?
  • Can Parents Change Their Attitudes?
• 16. The Other Parents of Your Children
• Appendix
  • 1. Listening for Feelings (An Exercise)
  • 2. Recognizing Ineffective Messages (An Exercise)
  • 3. Sending I-Messages (An Exercise)
  • 4. Use of Parental Authority (An Exercise)
  • 5. The 12 Communication Roadblocks: A Catalog of Effects of the Typical Ways Parents Respond to Children
• Suggested Reading List
• How to Experience the P.E.T. Model in Your Home
• About the Author