Chapter 8 - Changing Unacceptable Behavior by Changing the Environment.

Not enough parents try to change the behavior of their children by changing their children's surroundings. Environmental modification is used more with infants and small children than with older children because, as kids get older, parents start relying more on verbal methods, especially those that "put down" a child or threaten her with parental power; they neglect environmental modification and try to talk the child out of unacceptable behavior. This is unfortunate, since environmental modification is often very simple and extremely effective with children of all ages.

Parents begin using this method more extensively once they become aware of its wide range of possibilities:

• 1. Enriching the environment.
• 2. Impoverishing it.
• 3. Simplifying it.
• 4. Restricting it.
• 5. Child-proofing it.
• 6. Substituting one activity for another.
• 7. Preparing the child for changes in her environment.
• 8. Planning ahead with older children.

ENRICHING THE ENVIRONMENT

Every good nursery school teacher. knows that one effective way of stopping or preventing unacceptable behavior is to provide children with a great many interesting things to do- enrich their environment with play materials, reading materials, games, clay, dolls, puzzles, and so on. Effective parents, too, make use of this principle: if children are involved in something interesting, they are less likely to "get into things" or pester parents.

Some of our parents in training have reported excellent . results from setting up a special area in the garage or in a comer of the backyard and designating it as a place where the "d is free to dig, pound; build; paint, mess, and create. The parents select a place where the child can do almost anything she wants to do without damaging anything.

Car trips are times when kids especially "bug" their parents. Some families make certain that their children have play materials, games, and puzzles that will keep them from becoming bored or restless.

Most parents know that their children are less likely to behave unacceptably if arrangements are made to have friends and playmates come over to the house. Frequently, two or three children will find it easier to find "acceptable" things to do than will a child alone.

Easels for painting, clay for modeling, puppet theaters for putting on shows, a doll family and a dollhouse, Play-Doh, finger paints for smearing, fun card games- all these can greatly reduce aggressive, restless, or troublesome behavior. Too often parents forget that children need interesting and challenging activities to keep them occupied, just as adults do.

IMPOVERISHING THE ENVIRONMENT

At times children need an environment with few stimuli- for example just before bedtime. Parents, especially fathers, sometimes overstimulate their children before bedtime or mealtime and then expect them suddenly to become quiet and controlled. These are times when the child's environment should be impoverished, not enriched. Much of the storm and stress that occurs at these times could be avoided if parents made an effort to reduce the stimulation of the child's environment.

SIMPLIFYING THE ENVIRONMENT

Children often engage in "unacceptable" behavior because their environment is too difficult and complex for them; they pester the parent for help, give up an activity entirely, show aggression, throw things on the floor, whine, run away, cry.

The home environment needs to be modified in many ways to make it easier for a child to do things for herself, to manipulate objects safely, and to avoid frustration that comes when she cannot control her own environment. Many parents consciously make an effort to simplify the child's environment by:

• Buying clothes that are easy for the child to put on by herself.
• Providing a stool or box the child can stand on to reach her clothes in the closet and the bathroom faucet.
• Purchasing child-sized eating implements.
• Putting closet hooks at a low level.
• Buying unbreakable cups and glasses.
• Nailing a door handle on screen doors low enough for the child to reach.
• Putting washable paint or wall covering on the walls of the child's room.

LIMITING THE CHILD'S LIFE SPACE

Placing an unacceptably behaving child in a playpen, is an attempt to limit the child's "life space" so that her subsequent behaviors will be acceptable to the parent. Fenced-in backyards are effective in preventing such behavior as running out into the street, walking through the neighbor's flower garden, getting lost, and so on.

Some parents designate a special area in the house where the child is permitted to play with clay, to paint, to cut up paper, or to glue, limiting such messy activities to that special area. Special areas can also be designated as places for children to be noisy, roughhouse, dig in the mud, and so on.

Children generally accept such limitations of their life space, provided they seem reasonable and leave children considerable freedom to meet their own needs. Sometimes a child will resist the limitation and cause conflict with the parent. (In the next chapter, we discuss how such conflicts can be resolved.)

Although most parents remove medicines, sharp knives, and dangerous chemicals from the reach of children, a more thorough job of child-proofing might include such things as:

• Turning pot handles to the back of the stove when cooking.
• Buying unbreakable cups and glasses.
• Putting matches out of reach.
• Repairing frayed electric cords and plugs.
• Keeping the basement door locked.
• Removing expensive breakable objects.
• Locking up sharp tools.
• Putting a rubber mat in the bathtub.
• Making upstairs screens secure.
• Storing slippery throw rugs.

Each family should conduct its own child-proofing inspection. With very little trouble most parents can find many ways to child-proof the home more thoroughly to prevent behaviors that would be unacceptable to them.

SUBSTITUTING ONE ACTIVITY FOR ANOTHER

If a child is playing with a sharp knife, offer her a dull one. If she is bent on examining the contents of your cosmetic drawer, give her some empty bottles or cartons to play with on the floor. If she is about to rip out pages in a magazine you wish to keep, give her one you don't want. If she wants to draw with a crayon on your wallpaper, get her a large piece of wrapping paper to draw on.

Failure to offer a child an alternative before taking something away from her will generally produce frustration and tears. But children frequently accept a substitute without fuss, provided the parent offers it gently and calmly.

PREPARING THE CHILD FOR CHANGES IN THE ENVIRONMENT

Many unacceptable behaviors can be prevented by preparing the child ahead of time for changes in her environment. If her usual baby-sitter is unable to come on Friday, start talking with the child on Wednesday about the new baby-sitter who is going to come.

If you are going to spend your vacation at the beach, prepare the child weeks ahead for some of the things she is going to encounter- sleeping in a strange bed, meeting new friends, not having her bicycle with her, the big waves, proper behavior in a boat, and so on.

Children have an amazing capacity to adjust comfortably to changes, if parents would only discuss these things ahead of time. This holds true even when children may have to suffer some pain or discomfort, as in the case of going to the doctor to get shots. Discussing this with them frankly, even telling them it will undoubtedly hurt for a second, can do wonders to help them cope with such a situation when it occurs.

PLANNING AHEAD WITH OLDER CHILDREN

Conflicts can be prevented by thoughtfully arranging the environment of teenagers, too. They also need adequate space for their personal belongings, privacy, opportunity for independent activity. Here are suggestions for "enlarging your area of acceptance" for older children:

• Provide the child with her own alarm clock.
• Provide adequate closet space with numerous hooks.
• Establish a message center in the home.
• Provide a child with her own personal calendar for recording commitments.
• Go over instructions on new appliances together. Inform children ahead of time when you expect guests, so that they know when to clean up their rooms.
• Provide a house key on a fun key ring they choose.
• Give allowance monthly, instead of weekly, and agree ahead of time what things a child is not expected to purchase out of her allowance.
• Discuss in advance such complicated matters as the curfew, auto liability insurance, responsibility in case of auto accidents, use of alcohol and drugs, and so on.
• When a teenager is doing her own laundry, make the job easier by having all necessary equipment and supplies readily available.
• Suggest that a child always carry a phone card for an emergency telephone call.
• Tell a child what foods in the refrigerator are ear- marked for guests.
• Have a child write out a list of friends and their telephone numbers, in case the child has to be located unexpectedly.
• Give a child advance notice whenever special work needs to be done to prepare for company.
• Encourage a child to work out a personal list and time schedule for things to do to prepare for a family trip.
• Encourage a child to read the morning weather forecast in the paper (or listen on TV or radio) as a guide for what to wear to school.
• Tell a child ahead of time that bath-time and bedtime will be earlier than normal because you need to work at home on a project without interruption.
• Tell children well in advance when you are going out of town so they can make their own plans for activities.
• Teach a child how to take phone messages.
• Always knock before entering a child's room.
• Include children in discussions involving family plans that will affect them.

Most parents can think of many other examples in each of these categories. The more parents use environmental modification, the more enjoyable living with their children can be and the less parents need to confront the kids.

Parents who eventually learn in P.E.T. to rely heavily on environmental modification first go through some rather fundamental changes in their attitudes about children and their rights in the home. One of these changes has to do with the question: Whose home is it?

Many parents in our classes say they believe it is exclusively their home; that children, therefore, must be trained and conditioned to behave properly and appropriately. This means children must be molded and scolded until they painfully learn what is expected of them in their parents' home. These parents seldom even consider making any major modifications in the home environment when a child is born into the home. They think in terms of leaving the home exactly as it was before the child arrived and expect the child to make all the adjustments.

We ask parents this question: "If you learned today that next week you will have to bring one of your own parents into your home because she has become partially paralyzed and sometimes has to use crutches and a wheelchair, what changes would you make in your home?"

Invariably this question generates a long list of changes that parents would readily make, such as:

• Dispense with throw rugs.
• Build a handrail on the stairs.
• Move furniture to provide room for the wheelchair to pass.
• Place some frequently used articles in lower kitchen cupboards easy to reach.
• Provide her with a loud bell to ring if she is in trouble.
• Install a phone extension for her.
• Remove tipsy tables that she might accidentally hit and turn over.
• Build a ramp on the back stairs so she can wheel herself out in the yard for sunning.
• Purchase a rubber mat for the bathtub.

When parents see how much effort would go into modifying their home for their own handicapped parent, they become much more accepting of the idea of making modifications for a child.

Most parents are also shocked to recognize the contrast between their attitudes toward the paralyzed parent and toward the children when it comes to the question: "Whose home is it?"

Parents say they would make repeated efforts to convince their handicapped parent that their home was now her home, too. But not so with their children.

I am often amazed at how many parents show through their attitudes and behavior that they treat guests with far greater respect than they do their own children. Too many parents act as if children must do all the adjusting to their surroundings.