Chapter 1 - Parents Are Blamed but Not Trained.

Everybody blames parents for the troubles of youth, and for the troubles that young people appear to be causing society.

Mental health experts examine the frightening statistics on the rapidly increasing number of children who develop serious or crippling emotional problems, or who become victims of drug addiction, or who commit suicide.

Those experts lament, saying, "It is all the fault of parents."

Political leaders and law-enforcement officials blame parents for raising a generation of gang members, homicidal teenagers, violent students, and criminals. And when kids fail in school, or become hopeless dropouts, teachers and school administrators claim that the parents are at fault.

Yet who is helping parents? How much effort is being made to assist parents to become more effective in raising children? Where can parents learn what they are doing wrong, and what they might do differently?

Parents are blamed, but they are not trained. Millions of new mothers and fathers take on a job each year that ranks among the most difficult anyone can have. They take an infant, a little person who is almost totally helpless, and they assume full responsibility for the child's physical and psychological health, and try to raise the child to become a productive, cooperative, and contributing citizen. What more difficult and demanding job is there? Yet, how many parents are trained for it? Far more now, than in 1962, when, in Pasadena, California, I decided to design a training program for parents. There were only seventeen people in my first class; mostly parents who were already experiencing serious problems with their children.

Now, so many years later, having trained more than one and a half-million parents, we have demonstrated that this course, called Parent Effectiveness Training, or simply P.E.T., can teach you the skills you need, to be more effective at the job of raising children.

We have demonstrated in this exciting program, that with a certain kind of training, you can greatly increase your effectiveness as a parent. You can acquire very specific skills, that will keep the channels of communication open between you and your children; communication in both directions. And you can learn a new method of resolving parent-child conflicts, that brings about a strengthening of your relationship.

The P.E.T. program has demonstrated that rifts need not exist in families. This program has convinced us that you and your children can develop a warm, intimate relationship, based on mutual love and respect.

When I first became a practicing clinical psychologist, I had been as convinced as most parents that the period of rebellion in the teen years was both normal and inevitable. I thought it was the result of adolescents' universal desire to establish their independence, and rebel against their parents. I was sure that adolescence, as most studies had shown, was invariably a time of storm and stress in families. Our experience with P.E.T. has proven me wrong. Time and time again, parents trained in P.E.T. have reported the surprising absence of rebellion and turmoil in their families.

I am now convinced that adolescents are not simply rebelling against parents. The adolescents only rebel against certain destructive methods of discipline almost universally employed by parents. Turmoil and dissension in your family can become the exception, instead of the rule, when you learn to substitute a new method for resolving conflicts.

The P.E.T. program has also thrown new light, on the role of punishment in child-rearing. Many of our P.E.T. parents have proven to us, that punishment can be discarded forever, in dealings with children. And I mean all kinds of punishment, not just the physical kind. You can raise children who are responsible, self-disciplined, and cooperative, without your having to rely on the weapon of fear. You can learn how to influence children to behave out of genuine consideration for your needs, rather than out of fear of punishment, or withdrawal of privileges.

Does this sound too good to be true? Probably it does. It did to me before I had the experience of personally training parents in P.E.T. classes. Like most professionals, I had underestimated parents. P.E.T. parents have taught me how much they are capable of changing, given the opportunity for training. I have a new trust in the ability of mothers and fathers to comprehend new knowledge, and acquire new skills. Our P.E.T. parents, with few exceptions, have been eager to learn a new approach to child-rearing, but first they have to be convinced that the new methods will work. Most parents already know that their old methods have been ineffec­tive. So today's parents are ready for change, and our P.E.T. program has demonstrated that they can change.

We have been rewarded by one other outcome of the P.E.T. program. One of our earliest objectives was to teach parents some of the skills used by professional counselors and therapists, who have formal training in helping children overcome emotional problems, and maladaptive behavior. It may seem strange, or even presumptuous, that we had such aspirations. Preposterous though it may sound to some parents (and to quite a few professionals), we know now, that even if you have never taken a basic college course in psychology, you can learn these proven skills, and you can learn how, and when, to employ them effectively to help your children.

During the growth of P.E.T., we have come to accept a reality that sometimes makes us discouraged, yet more often makes us feel all the more challenged. Parents today rely almost universally on the same methods of raising chil­dren, and dealing with problems in their families, that were used by their own parents, by their parents' parents, and by their grandparents' parents. Unlike almost all other institutions of society, the parent-child relationship seems to have re­mained unchanged, and parents are still depending on methods used two thousand years ago.

Not that the human race has acquired no new knowl­edge about human relationships. Quite the contrary. Psychology, child development, and other behavioral sciences have amassed impressive new knowledge about children, parents, interpersonal relationships, how to help another person grow, and how to create a psychologically healthy climate for people. A lot is known about effective person-to-person communications, the effects of using power in human relationships, constructive conflict resolution, and so on.

This book presents a comprehensive philosophy, about what it takes for you to effectively establish, and maintain, a total relation­ship with your child, in any and all circumstances. You will learn not only methods and skills, but also when and why they are to be used. You will be given a system, complete with principles, as well as techniques.

It is my conviction that parents must be told the whole story, including all that we know about creating effective parent-child rela­tionships, beginning with some fundamentals, about what goes on in all relationships between two people. Then you will understand why you are using the P.E.T. methods, and when it is appropriate for you to use them, and what outcomes you can expect. You will be given a chance to become an expert, in dealing with the inevitable problems that come up, in all parent-child relationships.

In this book, you will be given everything we know, not just bits and pieces. You will get a complete model for effective par­ent-child relationships. That model will be described in detail, and will frequently be illustrated, with case material from our experi­ences.

Most parents consider P.E.T. quite revolutionary, be­cause it differs dramatically from tradition. And yet, P.E.T. works with very young children, with teenagers, with handicapped children, as well as with "normal" children.

P.E.T. will be described in terms familiar to everyone, and not in technical jargon. Initially, some parents find themselves disagreeing, with some of our concepts, but you will find that you are always able to understand our methods.

Since you will not be able, to express your concerns face-to-face with an instructor, here are some typical questions, with our answers to those questions that parents have had at this point.

This book starts by teaching you a rather easy-to-learn method, for encouraging kids to accept responsibility for finding their own solutions, to their own problems. We illustrate how you can put that method to work right away in your home. When you learn this method, called "Active Listening," you will then have experiences similar to the following, that P.E.T. trained parents have described: