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Appendix 2 - Recognizing Ineffective Messages - An Exercise.
Version 2013.04.04
Read each situation and the message sent by the parent.
In the column "Faulty Sending Because", write in the reason why the parent's message was not 'effective sending', using the following list of seven "sending errors":
- Blaming, judging.
- Hit and run.
- Indirect message, sarcasm.
- Name-calling.
- Sending solutions, orders.
- Undershooting.
- Venting secondary feelings.
| Situation | Faulty Message |
Faulty sending because To see the answers below: - Hover: To see a single answer, hover your mouse cursor within one of this column's cells below to possibly see the answer pop-up. or... - [Ctrl]+[A]: To display all of the answers in the column below, hold down your key-board 'Ctrl'-key, & click the 'A'-key) |
I-Message (This column is purposefully blank so that you can create your own I-message) |
|---|---|---|---|
| EXAMPLE: Ten-year-old left pocketknife on the floor of the baby's room. | "That was of stupid of you. The baby could have cut herself." | Blaming; judging | |
| Kids fighting about which TV program to watch. | "Stop that fighting and turn the TV off this minute." | Sending solutions, orders | |
| Daughter arrives home at 1:30 A.M. after agreeing to be in by midnight. Parent has been worried that something might have happened to her. Parent is relieved when she finally gets home. | "Well, you can not be trusted, I see. I am so angry at you. You are to be grounded for a month. |
Blaming, judging. Venting secondary feelings. Sending solutions, orders. |
|
| Twelve-year-old left gate to pool open, endangering two-year-old. | "What did you want to do? Drown your baby brother? I am furious with you." |
Blaming, judging Venting secondary feelings. |
|
| Teacher sent note home stating that eleven-year-old was doing too much loud and 'filthy' talking in class. | "Come in here and explain why you want to embarrass your parents with your dirty mouth." | Blaming, judging. | |
| Mother is angry and frustrated because child is dawdling and making her late for an appointment. | "Mother would like you to be more considerate of her." |
Blaming, judging. Undershooting. |
|
| Mother comes into the house and finds the living room all messed-up after she had asked the kids to clean it up for company. | "I hope you both had a lot of fun this afternoon at my expense." | Indirect message, sarcasm. | |
| Father is repulsed by the sight and odor of his daughter's dirty feet. | "Do you not ever wash your feet like other human beings? Get up there in that shower." |
Indirect message, sarcasm. Sending solutions, orders. Blaming, judging. |
|
| Child is disturbing you because he is taking the attention of your guests by turning somersaults. | "You little show off." | Name-calling. | |
| You are angry at your child because dishes were not put away after washing. As child is running off to catch the school bus, you shout,... | "I am very upset with you this morning. Do you know that?" | Hit and run. |
For each of the 'messages' above, think of and write down an I-message that avoids all of the sending errors.