Contents

Version 2013.04.04

Contents

Note: This is the original 'Contents' page.

Minor headline structure modifications make within the body of this book are not reflected on this 'Contents' page. Someday.. maybe, someday...

  • Preface
  • 1. Parents Are Blamed but Not Trained
  • 2. Parents Are Persons, Not Gods
    • The Concept of Acceptance
    • Parents Can and Will Be Inconsistent
    • Parents Don't Have to Put Up a "United Front"
    • False Acceptance
    • Can You Accept the Child but Not Her Behavior?
    • Our Definition of Parents Who Are Real Persons
    • Who Owns the Problem?
  • 3. Active Listening: The Language of Acceptance. How to Listen, and Talk, So that Kids Will Talk to You.
    • The Power of the Language of Acceptance
    • Acceptance Must Be Demonstrated
    • Communicating Acceptance Non-verbally
    • Non-intervention to Show Acceptance
    • Passive Listening to Show Acceptance
    • Communicating Acceptance Verbally
    • What About the 12 Communication Roadblocks?
    • Simple Door-Openers
    • Active Listening
    • Why Should Parents Learn Active Listening?
    • Attitudes Required to Use Active Listening
    • The Risk of Active Listening
  • 4. Putting Your Active Listening Skills to Work
    • When Does the Child "Own" the Problem?
    • How Parents Make Active Listening Work
    • Danny: The Child Afraid to Go to Sleep
    • When Does a Parent Decide to Use Active Listening?
    • Common Mistakes in Using Active Listening
    • Manipulating Children Through "Guidance"
    • Opening the Door, Then Slamming It Shut
    • The "Parroting Parent"
    • Listening Without Empathy
    • Active Listening at the Wrong Times
  • 5. How to Listen to Kids Too Young to Talk Much
    • What Are Infants Like?
    • Tuning In to Needs and Problems of Infants
    • Using Active Listening to Help Infants
    • Give the Child a Chance to Meet His Needs Himself
  • 6. How to Talk So Kids Will Listen to You
    • When the Parent Owns the Problem
    • Ineffective Ways of Confronting Children
    • Sending a "Solution Message"
    • Sending a "Put-Down Message"
    • Effective Ways of Confronting Children
    • You-Messages and I-Messages
    • The Essential Components of an I-Message
    • Describing the Unacceptable Behavior
    • The Parent's Feeling About the Behavior
    • How the Behavior Affects the Parent
    • Why I-Messages Are More Effective
  • 7. Putting I-Messages to Work
    • The Disguised You-Message
    • Don't Accentuate the Negative
    • The Right Tool for the Right Job
    • The Erupting Mount Vesuvius
    • What Effective I-Messages Can Do
    • Sending Nonverbal I-Messages to Very Young Kids
    • Problems with I-Messages
    • Other Applications of I-Messages
    • An Alternative to Praise
    • How to Prevent Some Problems
    • How I-Messages Lead to Problem-Solving
  • 8. Changing Unacceptable Behavior by Changing the Environment
    • Enriching the Environment
    • Impoverishing the Environment
    • Simplifying the Environment
    • Limiting the Child's Life Space
    • Child-Proofing the Environment
    • Substituting One Activity for Another
    • Preparing the Child for Changes in the Environment
    • Planning Ahead with Older Children
  • 9. Inevitable Parent-Child Conflicts: Who Should Win?
    • The Parent-Child Power Struggle: Who Wins, Who Loses?
    • The Two Win-Lose Approaches
    • Why Method 1 Is Ineffective
    • Why Method 2 Is Ineffective
    • Some Additional Problems with Method 1 and Method 2
  • 10. Parental Power: Necessary and Justified?
    • What Is Authority?
    • Serious Limitations of Parental Power
    • Parents Inevitably Run Out of Power
    • The Teen Years
    • Training by Power Requires Strict Conditions
    • The Effects of Parental Power on the Child
    • Resistance, Defiance, Rebellion, Negativism
    • Resentment, Anger, Hostility
    • Aggression, Retaliation, Striking Back
    • Lying, Hiding Feelings / Blaming Others, Tattling, Cheating
    • Dominating, Bossiness, Bullying
    • Needing to Win, Hating to Lose
    • Forming Alliances, Organizing Against Parents
    • Submission, Obedience, Compliance
    • Apple Polishing, Courting Favor
    • Conformity, Lack of Creativity, Fear of Trying Something New, Requiring Prior Assurance of Success
    • Withdrawing, Escaping, Fantasizing, Regression
    • Some Deeper Issues About Parental Authority
    • Don't Children Want Authority and Limits?
    • Isn't Authority All Right If Parents Are Consistent?
    • But Isn't It the Parents' Responsibility to Influence Children?
    • Why Has Power Persisted in Child-Rearing?
  • 11. The "No-Lose" Method for Resolving Conflicts
    • Why Method 3 Is So Effective
    • The Child Is Motivated to Carry Out the Solution
    • More Chance of Finding a High-Quality Solution
    • Method 3 Develops Children's Thinking Skills
    • Less Hostility- More Love
    • Requires Less Enforcement
    • Method 3 Eliminates the Need for Power
    • Method 3 Gets to the Real Problems
    • Treating Kids Like Adults
    • Method 3 as "Therapy" for the Child
  • 12. Parents' Fears and Concerns About the "No-Lose" Method
    • Just the Old Family Conference Under a New Name?
    • Method 3 Seen as Parental Weakness
    • "Groups Cannot Make Decisions"
    • "Method 3 Takes Too Much Time"
    • "Aren't Parents Justified in Using Method 1 Because They Are Wiser?"
    • "Can Method 3 Work with Young Children?"
    • "Aren't There Times When Method 1 Has to Be Used?"
    • "Won't I Lose My Kids' Respect?"
  • 13. Putting the "No-Lose" Method to Work
    • How Do You Start?
    • The Six Steps of the No-Lose Method
    • Setting the Stage for Method 3
    • Step 1: Identifying and Defining the Conflict
    • Step 2: Generating Possible Solutions
    • Step 3: Evaluating the Alternative Solutions
    • Step 4: Deciding on the Best Solution
    • Step 5: Implementing the Decision
    • Step 6: Following Up to Evaluate How It Worked
    • The Need for Active Listening and I-Messages
    • The First No-Lose Attempt
    • Problems Parents Will Encounter
    • Initial Distrust and Resistance
    • "What If We Can't Find an Acceptable Solution?"
    • Reverting to Method 1 When Method 3 Bogs Down
    • Should Punishment Be Built into the Decision?
    • When Agreements Are Broken
    • When Children Have Been Accustomed to Winning
    • The No-Lose Method for Child-Child Conflicts
    • When Both Parents Are Involved in Parent-Child Conflicts
    • Everyone on His Own
    • One Parent Using Method 3, the Other Not
    • "Can We Use All Three Methods?"
    • "Does the No-Lose Method Ever Fail to Work?"
  • 14. How to Avoid Being Fired as a Parent
    • A Question of Values
    • A Question of Civil Rights
    • "Can't I Teach My Values?"
    • The Parent as a Model
    • The Parent as a Consultant
    • "To Accept What I Cannot Change"
  • 15. How Parents Can Prevent Conflicts by Modifying Themselves
    • Can You Become More Accepting of Yourself?
    • Whose Children Are They?
    • Do You Really Like Children--or Just a Certain Type of Child?
    • Are Your Values and Beliefs the Only True Ones?
    • Is Your Primary Relationship with Your Spouse?
    • Can Parents Change Their Attitudes?
  • 16. The Other Parents of Your Children
  • Appendix
    • 1. Listening for Feelings (An Exercise)
    • 2. Recognizing Ineffective Messages (An Exercise)
    • 3. Sending I-Messages (An Exercise)
    • 4. Use of Parental Authority (An Exercise)
    • 5. The 12 Communication Roadblocks: A Catalog of Effects of the Typical Ways Parents Respond to Children
  • Suggested Reading List
  • How to Experience the P.E.T. Model in Your Home
  • About the Author