Chapter 7 - Putting I-Messages to Work.

Parents in the P.E.T. course warmly welcome being shown how to modify child behavior that is unacceptable to them. Some announce in class, "I can't wait to get home and try this out on something my child has been doing that's been irritating me for months."

Unfortunately, newly trained parents sometimes do not get the results that they hope for. At least, not at first. We therefore deal with the mistakes they frequently make when they try to put I-Messages to work, and offer examples to increase their skill.

The Disguised You-Message

Mr. G., the father of two adolescent boys, came to class and reported that his first attempt to put I-Messages to work had ended dismally.

"My son, Paul, contrary to what you told us, started sending his own You-Messages right back to me, like he always does."

"Did you send I-Messages yourself?" asked the instructor.

"Of course- or I think I did; I tried to anyway," Mr. G. replied.

The instructor suggested acting out the situation in class- he would play the part of Paul and Mr. G. would be himself. After explaining the situation to the class, Mr. G. began to recapture the situation:

At this point, the instructor stopped the role-playing and said to Mr. G., "I did hear a lot of 'I feel's' from you, but let's ask the class if they heard anything else."

One of the fathers in the class immediately chimed in with, "In a few seconds, you told Paul he was neglectful, he was a goof-off, he was sneaky, and he was irresponsible."

"Wow. Did I? I guess maybe I did," Mr. G. said sheepishly. "Those sound just like You-Messages."

Mr. G. was correct. He had made the mistake many parents initially make- sending You-Messages under the disguise of putting "I feel" in front of name-calling messages.

It sometimes takes this kind of re-enactment of a real situation for parents to see clearly that "I feel you are a slob" is just as much a You-Message as "You are a slob." Parents are instructed to drop the "I feel" and state what they did feel specifically- such as, "I was disappointed," "I wanted the lawn to look nice Sunday," or "I was upset because I thought we had agreed the lawn would be mowed Saturday."

Do not Accentuate the Negative

Another mistake freshly trained parents sometimes make is to send I-Messages to convey their negative feelings, and forget to send I-Messages about their positive feelings.

Ms. K. and her daughter, Linda, had an agreement that Linda would come home from a date no later than 12:30 A.M. Linda finally showed up at 1:30 Her mother had been kept from her sleep for an hour and had worried herself sick that something terrible had happened to Linda.

In the classroom role-playing recapitulation of this incident, Ms. K. sounded like this:

The instructor interrupted the role-playing and said to Ms. K., "Not bad- you sent some pretty good I-Messages, but only the negative ones. How did you actually feel when Linda walked in the front door? What was your first feeling?" Ms. K. quickly answered, "I felt terribly relieved that Linda was home safe. I wanted to hug her and tell her how glad I was to see her in one piece."

"I believe you," said the instructor. "Now (I'll be Linda again) send me those real feelings as I-Messages. Let's try it again."

At this, the class actually applauded Ms. K., expressing their amazement and delight at the entirely different quality of the second confrontation, starting out with her strongest "here-and-now" feelings. An exciting discussion ensued about the way parents miss so many chances of being honest with kids about their positive and loving feelings. Eager to "teach our kids a lesson," we miss golden opportunities to teach them far more fundamental lessons. For instance, that we love them so much, that it would pain us terribly if they were hurt or killed.

After Ms. K. sent the first honest expression of her feelings, there was plenty of time for her to confront Linda with her disappointment that the agreement was not lived up to by her daughter. What a different kind of a discussion it would have been if the Positive I-Message had been sent first.

The Right Tool for the Right Job

Parents in P.E.T. hear a lot about "undershooting" their I-Messages. Many parents find it difficult at first to send an I-Message that matches the intensity of their inner feelings. Usually, when a parent undershoots, the I-Message loses its impact on the child and no behavior change occurs.

Mrs. B. reported an incident in which her son, Bryant, did not change his unacceptable behavior even after she felt she sent a good I-Message. Bryant, age six, had hit his baby brother in the head with his father's old tennis racket, with which he was playing. Mother sent an I-Message, but Bryant went ahead and repeated his assault on baby brother.

In the role-playing of this incident in class, it became apparent to the other parents that Mrs. B. was guilty of under-shooting her feelings.

MRS. B : Bryant, I don't like for you to hit Sammy.

"I'm surprised, Mrs. B.," said the instructor, "that you had such mild feelings about your smallest getting hit with a hard tennis racket."

"Oh, I was scared to death his little skull had been cracked open; I was sure I'd see blood on his head." "Well, then," said the instructor, "let's put those very strong feelings into I-Messages that match the intensity of how you really felt inside."

Thus encouraged and sanctioned to be honest with her real feelings, Mrs. B. then came out strongly with, "Bryant, I get scared to death when the baby is hit on the head! I would sure hate to see him hurt badly. And I get really mad when I see someone big hurting someone a lot smaller. Oooooh, I was so afraid his little head was going to bleed."

Mrs. B. and the other parents in the class agreed that this time she had sent a much more "honest" and accurate message. The second I-Message, matching much more closely her true feelings, would have much more chance of having an impact on Bryant.

The Erupting Mount Vesuvius

Some parents, when first introduced to I-Messages, rush home eager to begin confronting their kids and end up spewing and venting their pent-up emotions like a volcano. One mother returned to class and announced that she spent the entire week being angry at her two children. The only problem was that her children were scared out of their wits by her eruptions.

The discovery that a few parents were interpreting our encouragement for them to confront their children as license to vent their angry feelings forced me to reexamine the function of anger in the parent-child relationship. This critical reexamination of anger greatly clarified my own thinking and brought me to a new formulation about why parents vent their anger, why it is harmful to children, and how parents can be helped to avoid it.

Unlike other feelings, anger is almost invariably directed at another person. "I am angry" is a message that usually means "I am angry at you" or "You made me angry." It is really a You-Message, not an I-Message. A parent cannot disguise this You-Message by stating it as "I feel angry." Consequently, such a message feels like a You-Message to children. A child thinks he is being blamed as the one who caused his parent's anger. The predictable effect on the child is that he will feel put-down, blamed, and guilty, just as he is by other You-Messages.

I am convinced now that anger is something generated solely by the parent after he has experienced an earlier feeling. The parent manufactures the anger as a consequence of experiencing a primary feeling. Here is how it works:

I am driving along on a freeway and another driver cuts in front of me precariously close to my right front fender. My primary feeling is fear; his behavior scared me. As a consequence of his scaring me, and some seconds later, I honk my horn and "act angry," perhaps even shouting something like "You idiot, why don't you learn how to drive," a message that no one could deny is a pure You-Message. The function of my "acting angry" is to punish the other driver or to make him feel guilty for scaring me so that he does not do it again.

The angry parent in most cases is similarly using his anger or his "acting angry" to teach his child a lesson.

A mother loses her son in a department store. Her primary feeling is fear- she is afraid that something unpleasant may happen to him. If someone asked her how she was feeling while she was searching for him, this mother would say "I'm scared to death" or "I feel terribly worried or frightened." When she finally finds the child, she experiences great relief. To herself she says, "Thank God, you're okay." But out loud she says something quite different. Acting angry, she will send some such message as, "You bad boy" or "I'm mad at you! How can you be so stupid and get separated from me?" or "Didn't I tell you to stay close to me?" Mother, in this situation, is acting angry (a secondary feeling), in order to teach the child a lesson or punish him for causing her fear.

As a secondary feeling, anger almost always becomes a You-Message that communicates judgment and blame of the child. I am almost convinced that anger is a posture deliberately and consciously assumed by the parent for the express purpose of blaming, punishing, or teaching a lesson to a child because his behavior caused some other feeling (the primary feeling). Whenever you get angry at another, you are putting on an act, playing a role to affect the other, to show him what he has done, teach him a lesson, try to convince him he shouldn't do it again. I'm not suggesting that the anger isn't real. It is very real and makes people boil or shake inside. I am suggesting that people make themselves angry.

Here are some examples:

• Child acts up in a restaurant. Parents' primary feeling is embarrassment. Secondary feeling is anger: "Stop acting like a two-year old."
• Child forgets it is her father's birthday and fails to say "Happy Birthday" or give him a present. Father's primary feeling is hurt. Secondary feeling is anger: "You're just like all the other thoughtless kids today."
• Child brings home her report card with C's and D's. Mother's primary feeling is disappointment. Secondary feeling is anger: "I know you were goofing off all semester. I hope you feel very proud of yourself."

How can parents learn to avoid sending angry You-Messages to children? The experience in our classes has been rather encouraging. We help parents to comprehend the difference between primary and secondary feelings. Then they learn to become more aware of their primary feelings when situations occur in the home. Finally they learn to send their primary . feelings to their children rather than venting their secondary angry feelings. P.E.T. helps parents become more aware of what is really going on inside them when they are feeling angry- it helps them identify the primary feeling.

Mrs. C., an overly conscientious mother, told her P.E.T. class how she discovered that her frequent angry outbursts at her twelve-year-old daughter were secondary reactions to her disappointment that she was not turning out to be studious and scholarly as her mother had been in childhood. Mrs. C. began to realize how much her daughter's success in school meant to her and that whenever her daughter disappointed her academically she would blast her with angry You-Messages.

Mr. J., a professional counselor, admitted in class that he now understood why he got so angry at his eleven-year-old daughter when they were out in public. His daughter was shy, unlike her socially outgoing father. Whenever he introduced her to his friends, his daughter would not shake hands or say the accepted amenities, such as "How do you do" or "Nice to meet you." Her muffled, almost inaudible little "Hello" embarrassed her father. He admitted that he was afraid his friends would judge him as a harsh, restrictive parent who had produced a submissive and fearful child. Once he recognized this, he found himself getting over his angry feelings at such times. He could now begin to accept the fact that his daughter simply did not have the same personality as he. And when he stopped getting angry, his daughter felt much less self-conscious.

Parents learn in P.E.T. that if they frequently vent angry You-Messages, they had better hold a mirror up to themselves and ask, "What is going on inside me?" "What needs of mine are being threatened by my child's behavior?" "What are my own primary feelings?" One mother courageously admitted in class that she had so often been angry at her children because she was deeply disappointed that having children had prevented her from going on to graduate school to become a schoolteacher. She discovered that her angry feelings were actually resentment because she was disappointed at having her own career plans interrupted.

What Effective I-Messages Can Do

I-Messages can produce startling outcomes. Parents frequently report that their children express surprise on learning how their parents really feel. They tell their parents:

• "I didn't know I was bugging you so much."
• "I didn't know it really upset you."
• "Why didn't you tell me how you felt before?"
• "You really have strong feelings about this, don't you?„

Children, not unlike adults, often don't know how their behavior affects others. In the pursuit of their own goals they are often totally unaware of the impact their behavior might have. Once they are told, they usually want to be more considerate. Thoughtlessness frequently turns into thoughtfulness, once a child understands the impact of his behavior on others.

Mrs. H. reported an incident during their family vacation. Their small children had been very loud and boisterous in the back of the minivan. Mrs. H. and her husband had been resentfully enduring the racket, but finally Mr. H. could stand no more. He braked the car abruptly, pulled off the road and announced, "I just can't stand all this noise and jumping around in the back. I want to enjoy my vacation and I want to have fun when I'm driving. But, damn it, when there is noise back there, I get nervous and I hate to drive. I feel I have a right to enjoy this vacation, too."

The kids were startled by this pronouncement and said so: They hadn't realized that their carrying-on way back in the minivan was in any way distressing their father. They apparently thought their father could take it. Mrs. H. reported that after this incident, the children were much more considerate and drastically reduced their horseplay.

Mr. G., the principal of a continuation high school, told this dramatic story:

• For weeks I had been resentfully tolerating the behavior of a group of boys who were continually ignoring some of the school regulations. One morning I looked out my office window and saw them casually walking across the office smoking, which is against school regulations. That did it. Having just attended the session in the P.E.T. course that explained I-Messages, I ran out and started sending some of my feelings: "I feel so darned -discouraged with you guys! I've tried everything I can to help you get through school. I've put my heart and soul into this job. And .all. you guys do is break the rules. I fought for a reasonable rule about hair length, but you guys won't even stick to that. Now, here you're smoking, and that's against the rules, too. I feel like just quitting this job and going back to the regular high school, where I can feel I'm accomplishing something. I feel like an absolute failure in this job."

That afternoon, Mr. G. was surprised by a visit from the group.

• "Hey, Mr. G., we've been thinking about what happened this morning. We didn't know you could get mad. You never did before. We don't want another principal down here; he won't be as good as you've been. So, we decided not to smoke on campus anymore. We're gonna stick to the other rules, too."

Mr. G., after recovering from his shock, then went into another room with the boys, and they all submitted to his barbering until their hair was short enough to conform to the regulation. Mr. G. told the P.E.T. class that the most significant thing about this incident was the amount of fun they all had during the volunteer hair-cutting session. "We all had a ball," he reported. The boys got close to him and to one another. They left the room friends, with warm feelings and the kind of closeness that so often results from mutual problem-solving.

When I head Mr. G. tell this story, I admit I was as amazed as the parents in the class at the dramatic impact of Mr. G's I-Messages. It reconfirmed my belief that adults often underestimate the willingness of kids to be considerate of adults' needs, once they are honestly and straightforwardly told how others feel. Kids can be responsive and responsible, if only grown-ups take a moment to level with them.

Here are more examples of effective I-Messages that contain no blaming or shaming, and in which the parent is not "sending a solution":

• Mom wants to read the paper and relax after arriving home from work. Child keeps climbing on her lap and crumpling the paper. Mom: "I can't read the paper when you're on my lap. I don't feel like playing with you because I'm tired and want to rest a while."
• Child keeps pleading to be taken to a movie but has not cleaned up his room for several days, a job he agreed to do. Mom: "I don't feel very much like doing some thing for you when you don't stick to your agreement about cleaning your room."
• Child is playing his music so loud it is interfering with conversation of parents in next room. Mom: "We are very frustrated because the music is so loud we can't talk."
• Child promised to clean the bathroom before guests arrive for a party. During the day she dawdled; now it's an hour before guests arrive and she hasn't started the job. Mom: "I really feel let down. I've worked all day to get ready for our party and now I still have to worry about the bathroom."
• Child forgot to show up at agreed time she was to be home so Mom could take her to buy shoes. Mom is in a hurry. Mom: "I sure don't like it when I carefully plan my day so we can shop for your new shoes and then you don't show up."

Sending Nonverbal I-Messages to Very Young Kids

Parents of children who are under two years of age invariably ask how they can send I-Messages to kids who are too young to comprehend the meaning of verbal I-Messages.

Our experience tells us that many parents underestimate the capacity of very young children to comprehend I-Messages. Most children by the age of two have learned to recognize when parents are accepting or non-accepting, when they are feeling well or unwell, when they like something the child is doing or when they do not. By the time most children have reached their second birthday they are quite aware of the meaning of such parental messages as: "Ow, that hurts" or "I don't like that" or "Daddy doesn't want to play." Also, "That's not for Marcus to play with," "That's hot," or "That will hurt Marcus."

Very young children are also so sensitive to nonverbal messages that parents can use wordless signals to get across many of their feelings to a child.

• Rob is squirming while Mom is putting his clothes on. Mom gently but firmly restrains him and continues to dress him. (Message: "I can't dress you when you are squirming.")
• Mo is jumping up and down on the couch and Mom fears she will hit the lamp on the end table. Mom gently but firmly removes Mo from the couch and jumps up and down with her on the floor. (Message: "I don't like to have you jump on the couch, but I don't mind if you jump on the floor.")
• Tomas stalls and delays getting into the car when Dad is in a hurry. Dad puts his hand on Tomas' rear and gently but firmly guides him into the car. (Message: "I am in a hurry and I want you to get in the car now.")
• Randy tugs at the new dress Mother has just put on for a party. Mother removes his hand from the dress. (Message: "I don't want you to pull my dress.")
• While Dad is carrying Tim in the supermarket, he starts to kick Dad in the stomach. Dad immediately puts Tim down. (Message: "I don't like to carry you when you kick me.")
• Marisol leans over and takes food off Mom's plate. Mom retrieves her food and serves Marisol a portion of her own from the serving dish. (Message: "I want my food and I don't like for you to take it from my plate.")

Such behavioral messages are understood by very young children. These messages tell the child what needs the parent has, yet they do not convey to the child that he is bad for having his own needs. Also, it is obvious that when the parent sends these nonverbal messages he is not punishing the child.

Problems with I-Messages

Parents invariably encounter problems putting I- Messages to work. None is insurmountable, but each requires additional skills.

Children frequently respond to I-Messages by ignoring them, especially when parents first start using these mes- sages. Nobody likes to learn that his behavior is interfering with the needs of another. The same is true of children. They sometimes prefer "not hearing" how their behavior is causing their parents to have feelings.

We advise parents to send another I-Message when the first does not get a response. Perhaps the second I-Message will come out stronger, more intense, louder, or with more feeling. The second message tells the child, "Look, I really mean it."

Some children walk away from an I-Message, shrugging their shoulders as if to say, "So what." A second message, this time stronger, may do the job. Or the parent may need to say something like:

"Hey, I'm telling you how I feel: This is important to me. And I don't like to be ignored. I hate it when you just walk away from me and don't even listen to my feelings. That doesn't sit well with me. I don't feel it's very fair to me when I really have a problem."

This type of message sometimes brings the child back or gets him to pay attention. It tells him "I'm really serious!" Children also frequently respond to an I-Message by sending back an I-Message of their own. Rather than immediately modify their behavior, they want you to hear what their feelings are, as in this incident:

At this point, parents untrained in P.E.T. often get defensive and irritated, rebutting with, "Oh no I'm not," or "That's none of your business," or "I don't care what you think about my standards." To handle such situations effectively, parents must be reminded of our first basic principle- when the child has a feeling or a problem, use Active Listening. We call this "Shifting Gears"- temporarily changing from a confronting posture to a listening posture. In the preceding incident, Mom's I-Message gave the child a problem (as these messages usually do). So now is the time to show understanding and acceptance, since your I-Message has caused him a problem:

Often, after the child can tell that his parent has understood his feeling, he will modify his behavior. Usually, all the child wants is understanding of his feelings- then he feels like doing something constructive about your feelings.

What also amazes most parents is the experience of seeing their Active Listening bring out feelings of a child which, now understood by the parent, have the effect of making the parent's original non-accepting feelings vanish or become modified. By encouraging the child to express the way he is feeling, the parent sees the whole situation in a brand new light. Earlier we presented the incident of a child afraid to go to sleep. The mother was upset with her son's bedtime stalling and told him so with an I-Message. The child responded by telling her that he was afraid to go to sleep for fear of closing his mouth and suffocating. This message immediately changed Mother's non-accepting attitude to one of understanding acceptance.

Another situation reported by a parent illustrates how subsequent Active Listening can modify a parent's "I" feeling.

OTHER APPLICATIONS OF I-MESSAGES

An Alternative to Praise

When I first started P.E.T., I-Messages were presented solely as an effective method for confronting children when their behavior was unacceptable. Many parents were puzzled by this limited use of the I-Message and asked perceptively, "Why not use the I-Message to communicate your positive or appreciative feelings when your kid's behavior is acceptable?"

I've always been ambivalent about sending messages that contained positive evaluations, largely because of my conviction that praising kids is often manipulative and at times even destructive to the parent-child relationship. My argument went something like this:

Praising kids is often motivated by the parent's intent to get them to do what the parent has already decided is best for them to do. Or conversely, parents praise with the hope that the child will not do what they think he should not do but instead will repeat the "good" behavior that's been rewarded by the parent's praise.

Psychologists have proven beyond any doubt, in literally thousands of experiments with humans and animals, that giving a reward just after certain behavior has occurred will "reinforce" that behavior- that is, increase the chances that the behavior will occur again. So rewards do work. Each of us goes through life repeating behaviors that in the past brought us some kind of reward. It's logical. We do things, again and again, because in the past they have somehow given us what we needed or wanted- we have been rewarded.

Praise, of course, is one kind of reward. At least that's what most people believe. So why not make a systematic effort to praise kids for "good" behavior? Why not also punish kids for "bad" behavior, since we also have proof that punishment extinguishes behavior- reduces the probability of its being repeated. But punishment is not what I'm examining here (later I'll have more to say about that).

No idea is more entrenched in parent-child relations than the notion that kids should be praised for "good" behavior. To many parents it is tantamount to heresy to question this principle. Certainly most books and articles about parenthood recommend it.

However, pitfalls he in the path of parents who use praise (and other forms of reward) as a way of shaping their children's behavior. First, to be effective, praise must be felt by the child as a reward. In many cases, this does not happen. If a parent praises a child for some activity, the parent judged "good" but the child did not, then the praise is often rejected or denied by the child.

It was only natural to ask, "If the I-Message is a more constructive way of motivating a child to modify behavior that's unacceptable to parents, could it also be a more constructive way of communicating positive feelings- appreciation, pleasure, gratitude, relief, thankfulness, happiness?"

Usually when parents praise their children it comes out as a You-Message, almost without exception:

• "You're being such a good boy!"
• "You did a great job!"
• "You behaved so well at the restaurant!"
• "You're doing so much better in school!"

Note that all these messages contain a judgment, an evaluation of the child.

Contrast them with these Positive I-Messages:

• "I really appreciate your taking out the trash even though it's my job- thanks a lot!"
• "Thanks for picking up your brother at the airport. That saved me a trip. I sure appreciate it."
• "When you let me know when you'll be home, I feel relieved because then I don't worry about you."

Positive I-Messages are not likely to be interpreted as manipulative and controlling the way praise usually is as long as these two conditions are met:

• 1. The parent is not consciously trying to use the messages to influence the child to repeat the desired behavior (to modify the child's future behavior).
• 2. The message is simply a vehicle for communicating a spontaneously experienced temporary feeling- that is, the feeling is genuine and real, as well as here and now.

Adding this concept to the P.E.T. model provides justification for parents to share their positive feelings when they spontaneously feel appreciative, without the risks inherent praise. Previously, I'm afraid that when I cautioned parents against praising their kids, I left them puzzled, frustrated, and with no constructive way of communicating the positive feelings.

How to Prevent Some Problems

When you're experiencing no problems at all in your relationship with your children (the relationship is in the No Problem Area of the Behavior Window), you may want to send a message to prevent an unacceptable behavior in the future.

The purpose of these Preventive I-Messages is to inform kids ahead of time about your plans, needs, etc.:

• "I need to finish a course I'm taking online, so I'd like us to discuss how we can share the computer this weekend."
• "I'd like us to figure out what needs to be done before we leave for our trip, so we make sure we have time to get it all done."
• "I'd like to know when we're having dinner because there's a long phone call I want to make."

These assertive messages naturally won't always get parents exactly what they want, but it's far better to let your kids know ahead of time what you have in mind than wait until they behave unacceptably out of ignorance of your needs. A Preventive I-Message in time might save nine confrontations.

A less obvious effect of the this kind of Preventive I-Message is that kids learn that their parents are human: they have needs, wants, preferences, and wishes like every one else. And, of course, they give kids a chance, without being told exactly what to do, to behave so their parents will be pleased.

A divorced mother, raising her three teenage sons on her own, described how she sent a preventive message to one of them, about a school event:

"I feel Dan has been closer to me- I can tell him what I feel. The other night I went to this thing at school where he was going to play the guitar and sing. He wanted me to go, but I'd never been before, and I was feeling like I didn't want to be dumped in there and left alone, not knowing anyone. So I said, 'Dan, I've never been to your school meeting before and I'm feeling just a little nervous, you know because I don't know anybody- I'd like you to help me out in there.' And he did! He took me in and introduced me to a bunch of people I didn't know and brought me a cup of tea. He just really looked after me!"

How I-Messages Lead to Problem-Solving

Now let's return to the three-part confrontational I-Message. A problem that all parents encounter in putting confrontational I-Messages to work is that sometimes the child refuses to modify his behavior even after he has understood the impact of that behavior on his parents. Sometimes even the clearest of I-Messages does not work- the child does not change the behavior that is interfering with his parents' needs. The child's needs to behave in a particular way are in conflict with the needs of the parent for him not to behave that way.

In P.E.T., this is called a conflict-of-needs situation: When it occurs, as it inevitably does in all relationships between persons, this is the real moment of truth in that relationship.

How such conflict-of-needs situations are handled will be the heart of this book, beginning with Chapter 9.